I Can't Say Thanks Enough

So all through my up and down crazy unreal journey, There were some amazingly great people who with out them I or my two other children could have done it an gotten through it. I feel words will never be enough for them to realize how greatful I am to them. This post is to them, for everything they did an still do. I thank you and I Love you from the bottom of my heart an so do the kids !!!!

How I Ended Up In Holland..

Morning has arrived, YaY!! Despite the pain I was in I was anxious, nervous, scared, emotional an most of all full of excitement to get downstairs an Officially meet Kayde for the 2nd time this time lil more clear headed then I was last night right after the C-Section. Shaking as my sis pushes me into Kayde's room I am in awe all over again, he is so precious an tiny. Kayde's nurse comes in an tells me great news that kayde did awesome all night long an in his nurse's words "was the big guy in the nic unit an was top of his class" :) It was just what i needed to hear, my baby is alright. Doing so well that he says would you like to hold him. I froze inside, yes i finally said. I was shaking an so scared he is so tiny i was afraid. While getting Kayde ready to come out for 1st cuddle a Dr. came in, introduced herself an asked me if I had met 2 other Dr's yet. ( sorry don't remember names). She said they would be in shortly to talk to me. I thought ok sure if you say so. When kayde was layed on my chest, I can't even begin to tell you everything I felt. I was flooded with emotions. Seconds later those Dr.'s she was talking about where talking to me about "Do you notice anything about your son"? Confused I answered he is tiny. He answered with no charistics of Down Syndrome. My heart shattered on the floor. No How could this be? Why would they do that to me when I'm holding my son an meeting him for the first time. I couldn't control myself my perfect boy wasn't perfect anymore. In hysterics an state of shock I start bleeding all over the place Kayde is taken from me an I was rushed back upstairs. Barely able to breathe I feel so numb, I don't understand I kept saying. An my sis breaking beside me an i know all she wanted was to fix it an make it better for me but there was no making it better. After the initial shock I knew there was nothing that needed to be fixed. He is mine just like he was back in the pregnancy.  I still love him as I did the few sec i saw him hrs after an the same way I did when he was on my chest. An he was an is perfect. I was filled with alot fear about his health as now he was double slammed 10 weeks early an DS. What did that mean for him now? Alot of anger came out in me as well, how could no one see the markers in all the u/s I had. I did my part in trying to find out an I believed all the Dr. To be honest I still have alot feelings about it. Not only did I have to learn what NICU life is like an everything that comes with it but now DS. An its something I was willing to prepare for an educate myself for before he arrived an all those Dr said no.


FISH Test came back a week later an confirmed T21.
Kayde has no health issues other then a hernia in groin due to being preemie.


We spent 2 months in the NICU,We came home few days before his due date with him weighing 5 1/2 lbs. I am proud to say I pumped for him for 13 weeks before I actually got him on the breast. Where now is his fav. spot to be..:)

Thanks all that hung in there an read all way through... I did my best  not to write forever an ever because I feel that I could. An after the storm settles an you get on your feet Holland is a great place. Thank you Emily Perl Kingsley's. An a big thanks to the Sunnybrook staff that cared for Kayde an I. You are truly amazing ppl.

Thank you Kayde for choosing me as your mommy.

On The Night You Were Born

Around 7 pm while on skype with family, laying in my hospital bed eating chips an dip, I slowly started to feel uncomfortable. Thinking the chips an dip were not sitting right with my belly. Then I noticed a pattern every 10 min. Panicing inside wishing I was wrong, My auntie an sis keep asking me if I'm ok as they obviously started to notice how uncomfortable i was becoming. Telling me to call the nurse's an have them check me out. I remember my sis asking do you think this is it? Do you think you are in labour? In huge denial an wishing No he can't come yet I am only 30 weeks. I knew I was. I remember going through a contraction an hearing my sis say I have seen that face before you are in labour. An she hit the highway to try an reach the hospital before my son was born. Everything after that  happened so fast. In hisartics an scared not knowing whats going to happen an is my baby gonna be ok. Nurses trying to keep me calm an breathing through the contractions, They do a quick ultrasound to check where baby is. He is breach with cord underneath him. Emergancy C-Section.. With labour progressing fastly me getting more frantic... What is going to happen, will his lungs be devloped enough, will he breath on his own..I need my sis, I can't do this with out her. I remember being wheeled down the hall an it was like i was in a dream so surreal into the OR we go. Repeatedly begging an crying  for my sis as they prep me for C-section...finally a nurse says your sis is here she is just getting gowned up.

 Next all I can say is Koodo's to all you women out there that have had C-Section, I was a baby through mine's, I would take natural labour anyday over an over before I had another C-Section. It was the worst thing ever, would have never gotten through it with out my sis rubbing my forehead an telling me its gonna be ok. Oh an yes giving me play by play detailed
about what they were doing an what it all looked like..I laugh now but didn't then. Again thanks for that  Meggie. I remember her looking down at me an saying his coming lin they gonna take him out now. My heartstop as all i could do was look at her face an watch her expressions. An all of a sudden i heard a lil cry, just 1 lil cry out an I knew that was my boy saying mommy I'm ok. He was rushed away with the NIC team for them to asses him, I layed there an asked over an over is he ok, is he ok, meggie tell me he is ok. Then on the ceiling the T.V turned on an i layed my eyes on my lil lil boy for the first time, I was flooded with emotion as I am now as I type. I could see he had lots of hair an i could  my sis holding his tiny lil hand . He was moving an breathing on his own,with a Apgar score of 8 after 1 min, an weighing 1370 g (3lbs) 15.4 inches long born at 12:12 am Feb 24.

I remember waking up in recovery an looking over at my sis who had the biggest perma smile on her face. He is perfect Linds she said. An began to tell me every lil thing about him. How small his hands were, How he looked just like Corey an his big sis, all his hair he had. An how well he had been doing while I was in recovery. Before being taken to my room they took me to the NICU so I could offically meet Kayde. OMG he was so tiny an cute an perfect, I instantly fell in LOVE. I was lucky enough because he was doing so well they opened the incubater an i got to touch an hold his hand a few secs. Never in my life could i have ever imagined how small 3 lbs could be till that night.

I was taken back to my room to rest few hrs as it would be morning soon an I could come back down an see him then. In an out of sleep feeling itching my face off an watching the clock as I wanted it to be morning, I wanted to be with Kayde an know he was still ok. I wanted to feel like everything was real, you know what I mean..Like with my other two from the time they came out they were mines an in my care. Right beside me for me to stay up all night an stare at. This was all so scarey an differnet.  

Was not ready for what was about to happen...

      Like every Sat. morning we were up an out the door bright an early for my son's hockey. An like every hockey morning my daughter the sleeping beauty she is, is not impressed about being pulled out of bed. An by the time hockey is over she is good and ready to come home an climb right back in bed. An nothing was different about this Sat morning to any other...Except sec after laying her down I started to gush blood again. All my fears of losing my baby boy returned times 10, how and why am i bleeding this time.??? Rushed to my local hospital an thank goodness for my sister by my side. Test, exsamination, U/S, nothing showing why I am bleeding. While upstairs in labour & delivery having a Non-stress test I start to contract. When I think back to it I guess i realized i was contracting before that an was in denial. Things got crazy from here as our hospital is only a level 1, contractions were getting closer together I need the Steriod shot to devlop my sons lungs in case he was to come an most of all they needed to get me to a hospital that could care for me an my 29 week gest son. It seemed like years but finally the ambulance was ready an they had a hospital an a team waiting for me there. I was being transferd to hospital an hour an a bit from where we live. Scared an shaking I remember my sis kissing my forehead telling me its gonna be alright an she would be right behind the ambulance.

When arriving I was bombarded with handfulls of dr. Explaining everything that might an would happen if i was to deliver. To be honest alot of that day an night are a blurr. Late that night everything seemed to settle an I got moved into a room. Where I was told to get use to cuz I was there at least 7 weeks until I was far enough along an could deliver at my own hosptial.  Again all I can say I wouldn't have gotten through it without my sis by myside.

I remember wanting to get out of bed an run home to my kids, I was so upset an lost an heartbroken with out my kids. Yes I know I needed to be there for Kayde but it didn't make being away from my other two any easier. I sat in my room an cried all day, I sat in my window an cried the week away. Thought to myself how am i going to do this for 7 weeks. Thanks to my Auntie who sent new pics up of them an to my sis for bringing one my daughters blankets up for me to cuddle.

The Beginning

Where do i begin, bare with me as my Lil peanut is now 7 months ( 5 months corrected age). Well lets see i guess good place to start is in early Sept 2010 I was excited to announce my 3rd pregnancy. My two other pregnancies were smooth an wonderful, in 2003 I was blessed with my son 7lbs.6 oz, in 2009 I was blessed with my daughter 7lbs 1 oz. Both full term babies an great quick labours. Was so excited for baby number 3.
Lil did i realize how lucky I was with those two pregnancies an I was about to find out why.....

Oct, 2010- 12 week U/S an Prenatal screening. I was so excited to see my lil one for the 1st time, squirming an moving all around in there. Was even told that I was expecting a lil boy :) Joy came over me an instantly, as  thoughts about all the different names i may name him. Left the U/S on top of the world with my new pics.


At 14 weeks my pregnancy changed an so my life started to change too. I was nursing my then 11 month old lil girl when i felt a gush.. I thought OMG i just peed myself, I could only have wished that was what had happened, I come to realize i was gushing blood, My world crashed as my worst fears were happening.."I'm losing my boy," Off to the ER in hysterics an shaking, with my Auntie Val telling me be optimistic maybe he is ok. I remember thinking NO NO NO there is no way he is ok, you are not suppose to bleed during your pregnancy. I relive laying in the ER an the Dr coming in with U/S machine an unable to control myself an emotions for her to about to tell me I'm sorry but you've lost the baby, When she turned the U/S machine to me an told me to breathe your boy is ok.See,look at him moving an he has a strong heartbeat. I thanked the lord an all my guardian angels. We then found out that I had P.P. My placenta was tearing away from my uterus an that was causing the bleeding. They would monitor me closely an i was to be on bed rest till the bleeding settled. Easier said then done with a 7yr an a nursing 11m old. The bleeding continued an seemed to be getting worse. U/S after U/S every thing seemed to still be fine, baby was ok an growing fine.

19 weeks pregnant an still stressing about the bleeding but calming down an trying to accept that it is part of this pregnancy. Late Friday afternoon the phone rings an its my Dr. I remember picking up the phone an thinking to myself why is she calling? How I wish I never picked up the phone. She begins with Lindsay I am so sorry,but your screening came back for Down Syndrome high risk. 1/208. I instantly started crying an when i could speak again i asked her what it meant an what do I do? She told me then I had the weekend to decide weather or not I wanted to abort or pursue Genetics Counseling. I was so devastated I didn't know what to do or to think at that moment. She said take some time an think about it an I was to go see her the following week with my decision, I told her then that I didn`t know what i was going to do but I was not aborting, that lil baby boy is mine, I feel him move, I have his named already picked out. I hung up an fell to the floor in heartache. How could this be happening, Why me with everything else that is going on. When i finally picked myself up off the floor, I was full of anger, an pissed with my Dr. How an What Dr. phones with that kind of news on a Fri. afternoon an tells someone like that. Left me all weekend with no answers. An then the heartache started again How in the world do I phone Corey an tell him there may be something wrong with our son. It was my job to carry an deliver a healthy lil boy for him. I felt like a failure.

After fighting with my Dr. to send me to Genetics to find out for sure, which she tried to talk me out of saying it wouldn`t be helpful if I have already decided to keep the baby. It is an was important to me. I wanted to know for sure an be able to prepare myself, an family an get educated. So after talking with Genetics an them taking family history,my age, the women reassured me there was no way he was going to have DS. As she was 100 % sure it was a false +due  to my bleeding issues. I was denied an Amnio as they only do one if you are 1-200 an i was 1-208. I left feeling relieved my son is perfect just as i had prayed he would be. An honestly I never really thought bout DS again.

22 week US- As all you moms know this it the US where they check that everything is developing proper an baby is growing accordingly. Was so excited for them to confirm he was still a lil boy..lol as i was told at my 12 week. It was also a exciting US as i invited my best friend my Auntie Pam who had never seen an ultrasound before. The Dr. did his thing an showed us everything. Great pics an great news Yay!!!!! 8 weeks of bleeding is more then enough, an to all those lil baby bums with diaper rash I now can totally relate the feeling...lol I never wanna have to wear another pad again in my life...
26 weeks yay!!! The Dr was right it finally stopped. :)



28 weeks- Oh No Pls tell me I'm wrong...lost my mucus plug. I knew I wasn't wrong....